Everything is going great for your morning at work, until those three cups of coffee finally hit your stomach. Whether you work in a large office, living in a dorm with shared bathroom, small office or anywhere that a person may enter your restroom of choice, we all know how uncomfortable and embarrassing relieving ourselves of our natural bodily functions can be.
While not working with Play This as my pet project, I work in a rather small office for my newspaper, which has relatively thin walls. So any noise or sound thrown through this building reverberates with great verbose sounds, removing any possible privacy. (Not a good thing when working with journalists, we tend to be nosy).
Now I’ll make this clear and also mention that this is not any direct influence of experiences I currently have as nobody needs or wants to hear about. Just understand that this is a simply hypothetical on how to prevent embarrassing situations all for the humor of our human race. All of this information is compiled from research that comes with age.
Whether it’s simply going number 1 the common number 2…. or the dreaded number 3 (use your imagination), chances are you don’t want a person hearing you. Oddly enough my editor is placed directly on the other side of our restroom, the thin wall leaves little to the imagination so here are some tips of experimentation done to prevent the awkward spread of sound.
- If there is a fan, turn that shit on!
- A sink near by? Although it is a waste of water, turn that on full blast. The fish can do with out one more glass of water to reduce any awkwardness and to remain polite to co-workers.
- For men its much easier, if you have to go number 1, just don’t let it hit the water; no sound, no problem!
- The silencer: Place several sheets of TP on top of the water, it will prevent items such as the Watermelon (listed below) to occur.
- If you have to go number 3, there is little to nothing you can do to prevent that awkwardness. What sounds like the endless spray of gunfire from a world war I Gatling gun and for whatever reason the toilet has been made to make any sound that hits it twice as loud, a mix between the fan, sink and silencer are your only hopes. You were pretty much DOA, so try to avoid any foods that upset your stomach… or if all else fails go to a local place around that you don’t care to embarrass yourself at.
Listed below is a description that could easily be applied to your everyday work life/Class life. (This info has been floating around the net for quite some time, our additions are listed in bold at the top).
Work Poop
We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
The Silencer: Placing of several sheets of Toilet Paper on top of the water gently so it muffles any awkward sounds or the back splashes.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist…… can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water….. often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
